Three Months

It's already been a quarter of a year without you mom, and to be frank, it's BS.

Finally got a pinata after asking for two years.

We spent Emmett's 8th birthday at "our" cottage and you were missed, a lot.

Your grandson did not want to go to camp this week, normally he'd be at the cottage with you for the week, hanging out with Isaac, Zac and… the other one of Shirley's grandsons. Normally you’d be at the cottage, normally Shirley would be too. This year isn’t “normal”.

Katrina took Eva to Elmvale Zoo, Eva was surprised to find out Tigers are there and not extinct. You would have got a kick out of it.

My MRI results came back, (after exercising my patience for eight days I called the surgeon for results, and the next day called our family doctor. On day 10 they both called back, to tell me there are no causes for concern. The surgeon actually said that there are no reasons for concern, only cysts, but they are normal. (I mean they’ve burned them off my ovaries before, completely normal eh?)

So now we wait again, to meet the plastic surgeon.

I'm feeling really down, I listened to a friend bitch the other day about how she got her mom a music subscription for Christmas and now she has to pay $20/month. I reflected on hooking up your hospital TV for $150 so you would be as bored while in hospital, for 7 days. Regardless of the fact that her home is double income and she makes probably double what I make SHE STILL HAS A MOM, and for that matter a mom who's retired and who moved to her town and she see's all the time. I'd gladly pay $20/month for infinity if I could have you another year.

I did not identify.

I'm not identifying well with others these days. Often I find myself having zero compassion for little problems, really for any problems.

I also listened to a friend complain about how her last two birthday's have been ruined, one of her family members was sick on her birthday and thus she spent her birthday looking after her family and trying not to get sick. My birthday was ruined cause I didn't have a mom, I mean covid already ruined it, we were in lock down for my 39th, and for my 40th the big girls vacation I had planned for three years couldn't happen anyway, most of us got ripped off when it came to our 40th birthdays as a majority of my friends turned 40 last year or this. But hey, great news friend when the world opens you still have money, still have a mom, and can take a vacation.

I am not dealing well.

I miss you a lot.

Another thing happened, it made me really, really, really upset and I'd complain to you but I wont complain on a public forum. Basically, as per usual I feel like I've lost the only parent who thought me worthy of anything, though dad made it to Emmett's birthday, so that was nice.

Anyway, we had a beautiful week at the cottage, despite the weather calling for rain everyday, it didn't rain more than like 10 minutes the whole time we were there, so I am grateful for that. I have to say though seeing other kids at the beach with their grandparents was hard. I thought as I did dishes on Emmett's birthday, as people were on their way, mom would have been here early walked in and started dishes, it's real helpful having a grandma around. (silver lining, well at least I got myself a dishwasher in lieu of that missing girls week, right?)

I'm really REALLY trying not to be petty, trying not to feel ripped off, in like every way. Cause I'm not. I have a lot to be grateful for.

I have really REALLY great friends, some can be insensitive, but honestly they aren't trying to hurt me, I'm just hurting. I have a supportive husband who loves me a lot and really tries to be emotionally supportive and despite the fact some people in our family do not understand PTSD, or for that matter any kind of mental illness, other people, in our family do understand. I have one grandma left and she loves me, and one supportive sibling. My kids are healthy, and happy, and funny and smart. (Emmett read an entire "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" book just last night, and I've got some books to read. The government will cover both my surgeries and

I don't have cancer... yet

Boobs be gone.

and on that note, Darlene, Michelle and I had a girls night and we got lots of boob pics for me to remember what they looked like, when they are disposed of as biohazardous waste. Until the day before though those pics are on LOCK DOWN.