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The Weight of the World

It's heavy

I didn't make it through grief counselling last night.

I was feeling down before it even started, I just wanted to self care and not work.

I went anyway cause you know, that's what I do. I have a terrible time cancelling things, being late, letting others down, and bailing when I have made a commitment.

But it's been heavy.

Like from every angle.

2021 is probably my saddest year.

and this week isn't going well.

My sister suffers from POI Primary ovarian insufficiency (POI), also known as premature ovarian failure, happens when a woman's ovaries stop working normally before she is 40. She also has this stupid PALB2 mutation. Which again, I'm thankful we know about and can take measures to prevent us getting cancer but it totally sucks that we both have this mutation.

My mom died of Triple Negative breast cancer/bone cancer

Think of a cancer cell as a house. To get inside to destroy the cancer, we must bypass three locks on the front door: estrogen, progesterone, and HER2.

If your cancer tests positive for these three locks, which are known as receptors, then doctors have a few keys they can use to get inside the cell to destroy it.

If you have triple-negative breast cancer, those locks aren't there. So the keys doctors usually use won't work. But chemotherapy is still an effective option

My brother-in-law died of prostate/bone cancer - He wasn't even sixty, he had just retired, he worked so hard his whole life and it's not fair.

My husband suffers from C-PTSD which has affected him for years and he has been in active recovery of for about 3 and a half years now. Every day he faces challenges, and we work on all that comes our way as a result of this. (we had a fundraiser a few years ago to help him get his jaw surgery, his emotional support dog, and counseling

My best friend suffers from MS - She has had a few attacks and worries that if she get's the covid vaccine it will trigger a response "attack" which if it attacks her spine (again) could result in paralysis. She has had such attacks following both a flu shot and Rabies vaccine. Her neurologist would not give her an exception and re-directed her to the neurologist that had witnessed these attacks and recommended no more vaccines... unfortunately that neurologist was disbarred from the college due to sexual assault, leaving my bestfriend to choose possible paralysis or to have her privilege's taken away because she doesn't vaccinate. It's pathetic that it has come to this for people who legitimately are trying to make healthy decisions. Her current neurologist could not back up why this vaccine was different from the other two, nor could he ease her uneasiness and tell her that in her case this vaccine is safe.

My other bestfriend suffers from PMDD and is a survivor of domestic abuse (like myself) She has just returned from a medical leave for herself in which she spent her energy trying to find mental health help for her mentally ill ex-boyfriend who also has PTSD/anxiety and possibly some other diagnosis' which he wouldn't confront on his own, or with help. This best friend is (like me) a fixer, so she has exhausted many many hours into his healthcare and finding recourses - which there are almost ZERO, We spent some time last night moving the abusive, gaslighting, leech to her garage, but he continues to harass her and can't be removed by police as it's "his residence". (only she is on the lease, so note to women everywhere, beware the helpless man, for he who is helpless has no help left for a reason)

Mental health is not really recognized by the Canadian government, incase you're wondering. I work in a "world renowned" mental health and addiction center. There are ZERO government funded beds on either of our units for PTSD, and to my understanding the only unit which has many OHIP covered beds is "crisis" which is short term stay. They get the patients that are a threat to themselves or others, they give them new meds, a few tools, and send patients on their way.

Everyone is dealing with something


So back to Grief Counseling

Last night's topic was spirituality. Which funny enough I scored great on when we made a wheel the previous week. Apparently I'm doing well spiritually, so I guess my problem isn't with spirituality itself but more with accepting my beliefs, or changing them.

I guess my problem is my practicality.

  • I believe in dinosaurs.

  • I believe in science

  • I believe in same sex marriage

  • I believe gender is a spectrum

  • I believe in myself

Because of this my lack of belief of organized religion faded around high school. I registered at Sacred Heart and the week before starting High school I transferred to Huron Heights Public High School. About a month later there were some stabbings, done by some kids at the catholic high school. Seems they were raised right in the eye of god? Don't worry they probably said some hail-mary's and will go to Heaven in 60 years.

  • I refuse to believe some fantastic person is going to Hell because they loved someone with the same private parts as them

  • I refuse to believe someone is going to hell for dishonoring their mother or father if the mother or father is abusive

  • I refuse to believe Noah built an arc and a bunch of meat eating animals magically didn't eat each other, and the two of their species who were the only ones some how made all the babies

  • I refuse to believe a doctor that advocates for women's health and provides abortions is going to go to Hell

  • I refuse to believe that all those fighting over religion killing each other to serve their God, to prove they are right are good in the image of God

And because of all my conflict with what my morals are vs. the morals of religious groups I can't find God. I want to believe my mom, and every other actual good person, is in Heaven.

I even wanted to believe that by the grace of God, my little sister would be successful with her fertility treatments, that that baby though not genetically related to me, mom, my sister would still have a little of my mom, cause of reincarnation. Or. because somehow mom helped it happen. But here we are, two years into my baby sister trying to have a baby, five and a half months after mom's death, still baby-less, still fetus-less. It's strange how much I wanted this for her, how much this has affected me. Left me still questioning... why her? and for that matter, why mom.

So I guess I don't believe in religion?

Maybe I need a religion I believe in?

Right now I'm missing the things in the middle of this description.

What do I believe? Well not that "everything happens for a reason", and not that there is a karma bank

When it comes to what happens after we die, I have no idea.

So yah. It's been a tough week and it's only Wednesday. I think in light of some recent bad/sad news I took on the extra sadness my mom would have felt, cause someone else has to care the way mom would and it's just surrounded me. LOSS.

I mean none of us REALLY do know what happens after death, I just wish I "knew" the way "religious" people know.

Rest in Peace mom.

I miss you so much.

extra this week.

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