Thanks mom
Updated: Sep 24, 2021
We often take for granted our mother's love.
I want to share two stories, which may blabber on to more, but first I want you to read the following.
Trauma Bonding Click here
First I'll take you back, follow me into the past.
Age seventeen I moved out of my parents house and in with a boyfriend and his dad. The relationship was what you'd expect of two high school students, sort of. Basically for two years his dad adopted me, he fed me, and gave me somewhere to stay (rent free) My boyfriend, at the time, went to school (as did I) and worked, often working nights. His dad was an insomniac, and no matter when I was awake he was too. I always had a parent figure to talk to.
If everyone was drunk, or it was not safe, or it was midnight, or 4 am didn't matter Dave would come get us and get us home safe, even if we were in Toronto or Barrie or anywhere. He was a god send, really, and I had a ridiculous amount of trust in them and them in me. I went to school, got decent marks, worked and did my grade 13 at the same time, while enjoying a fun relationship, and having many different groups of friends.
I moved to college, having had two "serious" relationships, both trusting, and respectful, and funny, and fun. On weekends when I continued to go "home" to my boyfriend and my boyfriend treated me how he always had, which was great... when I lived there, but not so great when I only saw him two days a week not seven. By Thanksgiving, like most first year college, long distance relationships, we were done. (done or not, I ended up moving back in after a car accident, as well as a second time after his dad saved me from my next "relationship") If you did not read that link on Trauma Bonding go do that before continuing on with my story.
Got involved with a love bombing, troubled, narcissistic, jealous, abusive, loser. (see link above on Trauma Bonding, seriously 1 in 3 women will be abused/assaulted/ raped by an intimate partner, most of the other 2 in 3 don't understand why someone abused would keep returning, here is a summary Several important ingredients that contribute to someone's "addiction" to their abuser are oxytocin (bonding), endogenous opioids (pleasure, pain, withdrawal, dependence), corticotropin-releasing factor (withdrawal, stress), and dopamine (craving, seeking, wanting). With such strong neurochemistry in dysregulated states, it will be extremely difficult to manage emotions or make logical decisions. )
Anyway long story long. My loser, abusive boyfriend wouldn't allow me to talk to my male friends, by wouldn't let me, I mean he didn't "say" I couldn't but in the event I did, he would accuse that I was sleeping with them, (it made no matter that I'd been friends with them prior to him existing or that I'd never slept with them before, even though we'd stayed in the same tent's and houses previously) and I got treated horribly. A certain best friend let me move in, Corina... and crash the honeymoon phase of her marriage by living on her couch. For me to move in my mother left home around 4:40am to drive to Barrie and pick me up, with the loser begging and crying and pleading on his knees, making promises again, lying again. I got in that car and went.
A few weeks later, I found a furnished, room for rent and in I moved. Those male friends of mine, you know the ones if I spoke to I was allegedly sleeping with, the ones I had cut out of my life without a word as to why... well they showed up. (they had already showed up, prior, during one of our break-up's ON CHRISTMAS to my house, to welcome me home, I think the proper phrase is "Bro's before Ho*'s, the ex being a H*e, any how) They showed up again, they drove me for groceries, and while I unloaded, they parked way down the street, walked back and entered my new place. Cue psycho landlord lady. I had paid first and last... it was FEBRUARY, mid winter, and after a week she called me at work and told me she couldn't sleep because the "random men" had entered her house, and so she was going to need me to move out, that weekend, oh and she was keeping my first and last months rent for the fact she would need to change the lock to feel safe, and because of her pain and suffering.
I called my mom.
My mom, showed up (she always showed up, she was there, she was there when I needed her) at my work that Friday. She drove me to that crazy lady's house and she said "we are not leaving until you have given my daughter back all her money, you can call the police, you can do as you wish, I'm standing right here until her money is handed to her. You make it sound as men are coming and going, and the fact of the matter is Steve and Simon have known her since elementary school, they were here helping get and her unload her groceries. They are not random men, they are some of my daughters best friends" (my mom had known those boys since they were 11 & 12 years old, preach mama preach, my ex had of course accused me of sleeping with them, or them trying to sleep with me, I didn't need that crap from this 60 year old lady.) and she threatened her. My MOTHER. My MOTHER have you met my mother, my mother has never (that I have seen ever in her life, stood up for herself, but there she was, threatening this lady for me) Because that's what mom's do, or really what they should do. I got my money back, btw.
At the beginning of Covid, when my in-person support group sadly shut down, I started an online Domestic Abuse Support Group for Women If you are one of the one in three women who has found themselves in a toxic relationship, click the link and come join the other 4500 members that are there to support each other. Get some validation, find resources, and support someone else who needs it. Lord knows if I found these girls 20 years ago, maybe I would have got counselling then instead 20 years late. https://www.thehotline.org/ (American) Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE, Canadian Resources https://endingviolencecanada.org/getting-help-2/ , https://www.dawncanada.net/issues/crisis-hotlines/
I've lost my mom. Who do I have now?
I've got my chosen family
I have a very supportive group of Guelph Girls, the "momfia"
Not to mention, some of the girls from my in-person support group, aswell as other fantastic ladies mentioned in previous posts. ( Jenny, Jess, Tinesha, Nadia)
and much to my abusers dismay, I've still got Corina (the last person I know who saw my mom alive, and brought her lots of little treats, flowers and little doodles on her dining cards while in Southlake Hospital), Michelle - my ride or die, and Steve (Sarah and their littles).
No one can replace my mom
But I do have a bunch of people who I love, who love me back.
P.S if any of you want to take my kids for a weekend in September, so Kent and I can get away alone for our 9th wedding anniversary for two nights that'd be freakin' awesome.
miss you mom