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Updated: Mar 17, 2022

It has been 10 months since my mom passed away, and in a few days we will have experienced some of every single season without her here. Her presence is missed every day, somedays the sadness is stronger.

God dammit she was so in love with her grandkids and so many memories that could have been made this past year and all of stupid covid and chemo season as well.

I'm sad,

I'm mad.

Clocks changed and apparently everything else.

I don't feel in control of anything in my life right now.

In the last year, my family structure has changed

My Body has changed

and now the career/job I've worked at 13 years has decided to change basically everything. Today my employer said we don’t care about you, I mean (they didn't say those words and) they’ve said it in other ways before… requiring a doctors note for a 3 day mental health leave following my 5 day bereavement. Not looking into false progress notes in a patients chart when I told them, not replacing my co-worker for a year while the rest of us picked up the slack… etc etc. But all that time my co-workers showed me the opposite. So this last meeting was kind of the breaking point.

I've been back at work 11ish days and I'm feeling kind of grumpy. As usual I love the nurses I work with... I love having a unit, I love making things understandable and easy for patients to navigate, after the absolute dreadful awful treatment my husband got as a patient, I try to make other patients experiences better. I also try to make things make sense. I have a process, or I make one. Hell, before I went on my first maternity leave I made a book for my replacement (How to Clerk for Dummies) It had photos and arrows and step by step details, it even laid out like Monday do this in this order. Not cause I'm crazy but cause once you have a process you can easily see what you missed. If there's a proper description of how to do something you don't have to bother someone else, you can be self sufficient.

Basically I want to be as non confused and practical as possible. Great right? Also my hours, awesome Monday - Friday 8-3:30, perfect! For 13 years I have worked in now three different programs.

I work... I'm not even sure where. I currently sit on one unit and service 3. I'm back with some of my first nursing family which is outstanding, HOWEVER, I'm stretched between two programs to do payroll of non-nursing staff, stretched between 4 floors and 5 wings to do assessment appointment booking, so once that is streamlined it wont suck, but right now, it totally sucks. I also came back to an entirely different everything system at work that I am not familiar with. At the same time they have decided not only will they now (after 13 years) start giving us a week of evenings (till ELEVEN at night) once every six weeks... oh and a random SUNDAY. But don't worry incase that wasn't bad enough my daytime hours have now been extended. Except they just want me on the clock they don't actually want to pay me. So I'll work 8:30-4 and be forced to take another 1/2 of unpaid leave "break" mid shift. (yah that will go great, think they allow speed on an addiction unit? I've been in bed by 9pm even on Fridays and Saturdays since Eva was born... for 2.5 years prior to that I went to bed at 6pm cause Emmett was up at 4... but ya 11pm)

Where was I? Yes, while on evenings the clerk will get to run to wherever we are needed... great but every unit is set up so so so different. It's not like stacked nursing stations where everything is the same and easy (though they attempted to do that, which actually would make a lot of sense), it's crazy a free-for all. Each of us clerks do about 50% the same stuff as the other clerks. On some units, we do involuntary forms, on some we book sleep studies, and dentist appts, on some we book patient visits, on some we work the door as it's always locked, on some we do all nursing payroll plus the rest of the unit, on others just nursing. Honestly I don't even know what the other clerks do cause each unit is totally different. And the stuff that is the same, isn't stored in the same place, and I know NONE of the staff.

Oh ya one more thing, when they pull us to evenings once every 6 weeks we are not replaced. So our unit sits with no clerk during the day, you know the time when patients are awake, being admitted, needing meal trays ordered, appts booked etc etc. So either our unit suffers, and we come back to extra work or some random clerk suffers and sits in our spot while her unit suffers. All because, what they didn't want to hire ONE evening clerk and train them properly... AWESOME.

Oh ya oh yah, and my doctor told me they usually send people back modified, I said I'm fine I don't need modified, as long as you write that I need the other appointments (2) so in my return to work plan it STATED I need to go to these follow up surgical appointments. My work, my "health" centre denied that as sick time, instead told me "if it can't be booked outside of work time it will have to be a vacation day" NEWS FLASH I work 8-3:30... when do you expect a specialist to book, oh yes and it also isn't in my town its just over an hour away. Furthermore when I return I do NOT feel well. This pisses me off so much! So since my appointment is at 9:30, is my proper course of action to only take vacation until 11 (I mean normally I'm out of there around 11, and feel squished, exhausted and in pain for a day or two almost immediately after) but then after I get out of my appointment I can call in as sick, because I will be...GRRRRRRRRR

Anyways, trying to still do LONG walks with the dog, trying to be mindful and notice the beauty in the forest. While doing so my mind of course goes to how much my mom would like that walk with me, just like she liked walking the other side of the river looking for fairy doors.

I miss her, so much.

Well, it's been a hard day. If you see a job posting Full time permanent, good hours, I have a LOT of transferrable skills. Pass it on, maybe it’s something I’d enjoy. And on to my grievance regarding my doctors return to work plan and on to reading.

What Color is My Parachute. Here we go… haven’t thought about this since 2003.

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