catching feelings.

Last night was my first grief support group.

Met a lovely bunch of grieved ladies like myself,

So so far we've discussed how we are feeling. I am feeling...

• Orphaned

• Anxious

• Unsure of my role in my extended family

• Overwhelmed

• Empty

• Defeated

• Sad

• Tired

• Worried

• Still Angry

and exceptionally grateful that my mom was there January 2020 when my husband had major surgery, and 2012 when I got married, and 2013 when I had my first baby and was sick, 2016 when I had my second c-section and a toddler simultaneously.

My mom made it through a lot of major milestones in my life which isn't as much as some can say.

But there are so many, many other things that my mom will be missed at.

Specifically, EVERYTHING.

When I got married I was thirty-one, as the oldest female grandchild on both sides of the family I was lucky enough to have both my Oma and Grandma (in their 80's) attended my wedding, they both had the opportunity to meet my children, to become great grandmothers. When I was twenty I briefly lived with my Oma, not a choice or opportunity my kids will have with their grandmother. As a child

I had the opportunity to go to Jamaica with my mom and her parents, and when my grandmother Norma turned 80 she and I did an adventure tour of Costa Rica. These trips are trips my mom most definitely would have enjoyed with her own grandkids, or even with me... only a few years ago, my mom and grandma travelled together, and the only trip my son has gone on was a girls trip with my mom, my sister, myself and (other) Kristina. Linda often gave her grandkids adventure/experience type gifts. Lego Land, Wonderland, the Zoo, Santa's Village, Apple Picking. She took every opportunity to see to see those grand babies of hers.

A few years ago as a family we decided we needed to recreate a Christmas plan that worked for our family. At the time we were driving 2 hours to celebrate with my family, which was negatively impacting us, and then a few days later driving 5-8 hours to see my husbands family. Instead we came up with a great Christmas plan that left us spending Christmas more relaxed. My mom and sister (and sometimes my brother in law) would come to our house along with various friends on Christmas Eve. I would serve apps, the kids would play and sing and be merry. At night we'd read Christmas books the kids would bunk up together and grandma would sleep in Eva's room. Then in the morning grandma would get the magic of Santa and Christmas and all things joyful with my kiddos. Now mom's last Christmas was a bit different, grrr Cancer, grrrr Chemo. But despite Covid the numbers in my town were low and we celebrated in November before chemo started.

It makes me extremely sad that my Christmas' will no longer involve my mom.

It devastates me that in a couple of years my daughter will no longer remember grandma at all.

After 8 years of being a mom I still feel like an imposter, faking it till I make it, oh,

and I feel like an orphan.

Mom, I miss you, I miss you so much, every God Damn day!